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- Photo by me
“The true New Yorker,” said John Updike, “secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.”
Seeing the New York skyline from the hills of New Jersey sometimes made me feel like I was part of the action, yet for most of my life, I crept along the edges like a timid child surveying the deep end of the pool, occasionally dipping my toes in and recoiling back to safety.
My first year of living in NYC has felt more like two months, yet the growth and learning I’ve experienced has been tenfold what my time here might suggest. My life has expanded in all directions—politically, creatively, professionally, spiritually—and it feels about time to reflect on some lessons learned, some deeply personal and others simple yet tough.
For the young twentysomething with ambition and big dreams, hopefully these are warm reminders that you’re not alone and, as I’ve been reminded endlessly, no one else has it figured out, either.
On Moving and NYC
- The honeymoon phase: Upon moving to NYC, I immediately became a “yes” man. Yes, I’d love to get drinks after work. Why, yes, I had a long day and I’d love to hop on a train for an hour to get dinner. After about six months of endless excitement and mounting debt, I caught myself cancelling plans at the last minute and realized how much of a reflection this had on my reputation and character. It’s better to give a firm and honest no at the start than a timid kinda-bullshit apology at the end. There’s nothing wrong with the excitement, nor can you suppress it if you tried. When you move to a new city, especially one that feels foreign, bask in it. Revel in all of its nooks and crannies, but know your own limits. I know people who’ve been here 10 years and still say yes to everything. The moment you get jaded is the moment you need to move.
- If it isn’t in Google Calendar, it ain’t happening: This is my rule of thumb. If I forget it, it means I didn’t care enough. If I put it in the calendar, I’m committed and nothing can override this rule. When giving your attention—and getting attention from others—return to rule #2.
- You’ll probably go into debt: Without some structure in managing your expenses, those pending transactions will feel like stubbing your toe on the edge of a table. This then stresses you out. And money stress mixed with work stress mixed with Tinder stress is not good stress. Someone in your circle of friends has their shit together when it comes to finances—ask them how they think about money, what tools they use, and their habits around spending and saving. Thanks to my friend Yin Lin for her real talk money advice.
- Make a home: For months, my room was barren. I didn’t know if after six months my roommate was going to end her lease, so I treated my room like a long airbnb stay. I saw it as frivolous to buy decor or a standing desk, but over time, it dawned on me how much my personal space—especially in a tiny apartment in NYC—mattered to me. It mattered to my sanity and my feeling like a person. It mattered when I wanted to stay in all day.
- Get a camera and walk everywhere: My younger brother gifted me his old Canon Rebel t3i and encouraged me to explore Brooklyn. I was in a sublet at the time, questioning my decisions and this new chapter every single day. I had to give my new home a try, so on weekends I walked 15-20 miles, from Boerum Hill to Red Hook down to Coney Island, back up around to Park Slope through Bushwick and Williamsburg. Many times I’ve walked 50-60 blocks in Manhattan, taking random left and right turns, coming home with hundreds of photos. It made me fall in love with the city, and most importantly, it helped me develop a new craft.
- Eat everything: You’ll learn so much about your neighborhood, the city, and people. Get to know the owners of the restaurants, delis, or bodegas. “How long have you been here? Where are you from?” Start with that and you’ll appreciate the food on your plate more. A meal at my go-to falafel spot is $5. When I learned that Gus was the third generation for the longest-operating spot in downtown Brooklyn (90 years), that $5 falafel started tasting like $20. Add in his genuine kindness, enthusiasm, and the fact he remembers your name after the first time you pay with a credit card, and it’s no surprise why he’s in business.
- Dating: Oh god. Many essays have been written from all ages about dating in NYC. I’m not here to tell you that dating in NYC is fundamentally any different than dating elsewhere. People are messy, online dating is a new jungle, and open, honest communication is the most difficult thing to have in life and work. I’ve had great experiences and I’ve had LOL experiences. If you’re swiping out of habit and boredom, the bad dates you get are what you deserve. If you know why you’re dating, be open, honest, up-front, and get rid of all expectations or assumptions. People crave honesty, and usually in this realm it’s the last thing you’re getting. You can stand out by being the opposite of what most people are used to.
On Staying Sane
- No one has it figured out: I’ve had the privilege of meeting so many makers and creatives that I’ve admired for years. Over time, the realization kept ringing in my head: These people are making shit up. That’s not to say it’s not a thoughtful and meticulous approach based on repeated failures and sharpened intuition. But almost every insanely smart person I know is not operating from a place of total conviction; they, too, have internal demons and massive imposter syndrome. In fact, it was the people who were surrounded by a thick air of total conviction who failed quickly because of their inability to be open to feedback, help, or change.
- Play chess: A life philosophy of mine is this: Everything is chess. What I mean is that strategy is important, decisions you make have ripple effects, and training yourself to think multiple steps ahead is immensely beneficial. Let’s say that a division at your company is being wiped out and this is impacting everyone around you. Rather than panicking and letting your emotions unhinge you, you can think of the next steps ahead and where you want those steps to lead, make decisions that won’t burn any bridges, and survey the moving parts around you without losing your cool.
- Find your community: To find a community where you feel like you belong, where you can be yourself and also grow into who you want to become, is such a rare asset. I’ve learned it’s even harder in cities, which felt backward to me. In my work in the altMBA, I learned that people are lonely; and in my work at CreativeMornings I learned how much cities can improve when there are thriving, local, inclusive communities. It takes constant trying and failing to find (or build) that community. I fell into two communities upon moving to Brooklyn—at Friends Work Here, a co-working space in Brooklyn, and also through my day job at CreativeMornings. It’s important to realize that finding your community operates on the same wavelength as giving to your community—giving your time, stories, attention, insight, and work. I connected with these communities effortlessly because the culture of giving generously to others while growing one’s own craft and career is baked in. I found my people and there were so many synergies to my altMBA family.
- Escape the city: I’d stumble upon articles that talked about nature’s healing effects and would X out immediately because I never felt that kind of compulsion to escape a place—not even in New Jersey which is now in the top three states where people move away from. But living in the city, I started to feel that craze and a powerful lust for hugging a tree and deep breaths of cool air. Maybe those articles had validity. When you feel something in your body, don’t ignore it. What you’re feeling is real and you can do something about it.
- Ignore Instagram, especially influencers: Nothing else will make you go more insane than this platform. We love sing it but we also hate how it has seduced us. As a photographer, I’ve caught the bad habits of comparison, randomly checking because of boredom, and giving too much attention to things that do not advance my life or career. Influencers are advertisers, period, and most of them don’t live the glorious life you think they’re living. Just think about the stress you have with algorithms. Ten years ago you didn’t know what they were and now many of us walk around acting like they’re the bane of our existence. How many hours, days, and years are we wasting by begging this platform to make us happy?. Work on building your own body of work instead.
- Remember how people make decisions: I’ve been in rooms where decision makers balance between the emotional and rational, looking at someone’s skill set, reputation, and body of work. You can be incredibly skilled, but if you’re a jerk, no one will want to work with you. Other times, you can be the least qualified in expertise, but because the decision maker already has a relationship with you, they choose you. Life inherently isn’t fair; we as humans try to tailor to make it fit for all. It’s helpful to study the people around you in how they make decisions—what makes them tick, where are their blind spots, etc.
- If solitude bothers you, start there: Morning meditation, even for 10 minutes before heading to work, is a way to slow down and prepare yourself for the day. I promise you, it will make a difference.
- Professionalism is an attitude: I’ve learned this just by being surrounded by amazing professionals. Some traits that stand out are thoughtfulness, clear communication, integrity, respect, humility, and openness. Saying no—and how it’s said—is a sign of a professional. When you’re young, stand out by studying and emulating the behaviors of the people that you admire—not by blindly following, but by understanding their admirable principles, values, and posture.
- Own your content and own your platform: It’s simple: If you’re relying solely on social media platforms to have a thriving business, you may indeed have wonderful short-term success, but you’re entirely ignoring the long-game. Build your own site, publish your own content there, earn the trust and permission of your audience by building a newsletter list, give them value through the information your share, and step-by-thoughtful-step you can build something that your tribe wants. As my friend Sean Blanda said, the most defensible thing you can do for your career is to build an audience. This is the model of a thriving, long-term career, but here’s the catch: It ain’t easy and it’ll take dedication. Are you in?
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